Sunday, March 28, 2004

Death

Okay. Not really thinking straight now. Too many things on my mind. So I shall attempt to type my way out of the mess. Mom just called ten minutes ago to say that my grandmother has passed away. Initial reaction was a very soft 'f***.' I mean, we all knew that it would happen soon, grandma was sick ever since grandpa passed away. but still. f***. And now I'll never taste her cooking. Her wonderful steamed/fried pomfret. I used to tell people that if ever I had to eat pomfret, it'll be hers. Others' cooking never seemed to quite meet up. I'll never see those paper decorations that she loved to create to pass her time. On the other hand, I'm happy. Because in those last days, from what I heard from mom, there was some pretty fierce arguing going on over the will, by uncles and aunties who didn't seem to really care. It probably felt pretty shitty, having to hear people argue over things that were pivoted on your death. Didn't the people care? You gave birth to seven children. Why was it, in the end, that only half of them really cared for you? Mom said that grandma woke up crying sometimes. Out of fear, of sadness, I guess I'll never know. Which is why I'm glad for her, I guess. It's all over now, and she will go to the Silver City. She would have left it all behind. All the pain, sadness. I'll miss her though..

And herein lies the quadranry. I feel like a monster. I never returned with my sis to visit her last month, due to school and various responsibilities that could not be shirked. And now, in the last week of school before the Finals, I am yet again unable to leave, due to all my graded tutorials and tests being smack in the middle of this week. I mean, I could go, and forego my grades, which would actually be pretty significant to my final grade. But I'm not sure if I ought to. I feel really...rotten. I mean, I should go, you know? My mom needs me. I'm afraid if I don't, well... And I should go, if anything to see her one last time, give her the last farewell. I had been sayign goodbye to her for years, everytime I left Penang, her, waving to me from the roadside, with grandpa, with a smile in her eyes. But this time...it's final. But on the other hand, all the lectures which I need to attend to catch up on my already slow schoolwork. Practical labs and SS tutorials which can't be changed or replaced cos they only happen on wednesday. The SS and programming summary lectures which I badly need...

Argh. I really don't know. I feel so monster-like, still thinking about all these material things when I should, by right, just drop everythign I'm doign and rush over. But my rational mind won't let me. This really sucks. What to do?!

Lay Down
Your sweet and weary head
Night is falling
You have come to journey's end

Sleep now
Dream-of the ones who came before
They are calling
From across a distant shore

Why do you weep?
What are these tears upon your face?
Soon you will see
All of your fears will pass away.

Safe in my arms
You're only sleeping

What can you see?
On the horizon.
Why do the white gulls call?

Across the sea
A pale moon rises.
The ships have come
To carry you home.

And all will turn to silver glass.
A light on the water
All souls pass.

Hope fades
Into the world of night.
Through shadows falling,
Out of memory and time.

Don't say
We have come now to the end.
White shores are calling
You and I will meet again.

And you'll be here in my arms
Just sleeping.

What can you see?
On the horizon.
Why do the white gulls call?

Across the sea
A pale moon rises.
The ships have come
To carry you home.

And all will turn to silver glass.
A light on the water
Grey ships pass
Into the west.

-annie lennox, into the west


edit: i think it's the way i write. I tend to overdramatize ^^;;; But I'm fine. Really. Just thoughtful and introspective, no matter how angsty I sound up there ^^;

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