Sunday, February 22, 2004

Search for your friends. But do not trust to hope. For it has forsaken these lands. --Eomer, LOTR: TTT

Woot. Congratulate me. I think i've just worked myself into one fine depression, thanks to my over-active mind. Went for an internal archery competition today, and totally blew it. Bleagh. It was disgusting, how I managed to depress myself so much, up to the point where i couldn't get out of it. And my shooting reflected that i guess. My worst performance ever, and i didn't even manage to get a bullseye. Was just sh*t. My teammates probably thought I was some crazy freak, i kept asking for consolation. And I don't bloody know why i did that. I guess i just really needed someone to be there for me. *sigh* Kinda missed all my old friends at that time. Missed Jov and her hugs, en and her encouragement..ningz and her upbeat attitude.....And i think I came to a point where i figured that sometimes, you need to solve your own problems. I only realised that towards the end though, when it was too late. But I managed to come out of it, so I was sort-of glad. Then the stupid -thing- returned full-swing when I reached home. *SIgh*

I guess, to be fair, archery wasn't the whole problem. The rest was due to some things best left unmentioned and others that as of yet remain unknown. I wanted something which couldn't be given, or rather, I didn't know how/dare to ask for. And so it remains. I am disappointed with myself, both for thinking this way and not being able to have full control over my mental state. My mental state is in virtual shreds now. *sigh* And I don't bloody know why. It's just this big -thing- stuck in my throat, making me feel all choked up. I mean, I don't KNOW. Schoolwork's piling up, doctrines and essays are due, and time is just bloody leaking away. Perhaps it's stress. And perhaps it's something else. This thinking and guessing and coping and controlling is driving me nuts. ARGH. I don't know what to do. I don't even know if I should do anything about it. And dammit how the hell do i get out of this depressive mood?!! ARGH. I hate this. ARRRRRRRGGGHHHH. Sh*T. and blogging is not helping either. I was hoping it would. *sigh* Perhaps I'll sleep on it. Yes. I do believe I shall. And maybe cry and listen to Travis. And hopefully it'll all be lost in dreams by tomorrow. *sigh*

I can�t sleep tonight
Everybody saying everything�s alright
Still I can�t close my eyes
I�m seeing a tunnel at the end of all these lights

Sunny days
Where have you gone?
I get the strangest feeling you belong

Why does it always rain on me?
Is it because I lied when I was seventeen?
Why does it always rain on me?
Even when the sun is shining
I can�t avoid the lightning

I can�t stand myself
I�m being held up by invisible men
Still life on a shelf when
I got my mind on something else

Sunny days
Where have you gone?
I get the strangest feeling you belong

Why does it always rain on me?
Is it because I lied when I was seventeen?
Why does it always rain on me?
Even when the sun is shining
I can�t avoid the lightning

Oh, where did the blue skies go?
And why is it raining so?
It�s so cold

stardusted at 4:10 AM | link?

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